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• A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks,his new wife asked, "Ewww-what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose."What's wrong with your knees?" she asked."They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?"she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...Small cox?"
  
  A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods" "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah", "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food" "Tiger wouldn't do that" "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time. The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole.
  
  When is the only time a woman can change a man? When he's a baby.
  A hole has been found in a nudist colony wall. Police are said to be looking into it.
  A redneck husband died and left everything to his wife. He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch
  any of it until she turned 14.
  A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"
  Q. How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital ward? A. He's the one blowing the foam off of his bed pan.
  Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton? A. So they have a place to hang an air freshener.
  Q: Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the drive-in? A: They went to see "closed for the winter"
  Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A. The hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
  Q. What is the difference between broccoli and a booger? A. You can't get kids to eat broccoli.
  Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is? A. It's like a French kiss, but down under.
  Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A. He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.
  Q. How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? A. She has scratched "Stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.
  Q. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
  Q: What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex? A: Call her/him on the telephone.
  
  Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde." Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde." The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?" The friend said, . . . "Dyed by her own hand!"
  
  What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo!
  
  The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50." "No way!" I responded. "I'm married!!!" "So??? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker. So I told her, "The difference is...My wife will do it for only $35."
  
  Back in the Garden of Eden, Adam stayed out very late for a few nights. Eve was very suspicious, and became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve
  
  When you're having a really bad day and it seems like everyone is trying to get you down, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your middle finger.
  
  The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
  
  The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip. "Doctor Wilson, How is the Smith baby?" "Well, the child was born without a penis." "Oh my goodness!!" "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 18 years."
  
  Husband and wife are lying in bed and husband looks between her legs and comments: "You're going grey!"
  Wife replies: "No, they're just cobwebs!"
  
  A woman's place is in the home. Why should she go out and take away a working man's pay instead of staying home and stealing it out of his jacket like a good wife?
  
  A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.Police suspect a cereal killer.
  
  What do you call 100 cows masturbating?                    Beef strokin off.
  
  A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf." The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all." The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The son-of-a-guns never bring 'em back!"
  
  Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
  The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
  
  Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old squaw for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with his forty year old squaw. They said, "What happened to your two twenty year olds?" The Chief replied, "Me no wired for 220!"
  
  As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...; you are NOT the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients. But, another voice kept reminding me, "Dogbyte, you are a veterinarian!"
  
  An Indian tourist named Tonto Bought sex from a whore in Toronto. He returned to the wild Disappointed and riled, For in Toronto poor Tonto came pronto.
  
  There once was a man named Kent, Whose dick was so long that it bent.
  To save the girls trouble He put it in double, And instead of cumming he went.
  
  "Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
  
  Two Polish guys are barrel-assing down a hill when all of a sudden the brakes give out. The guy driving says, "J***** C*****, the brakes gave out. What are we gonna do? The brakes gave out." The guy riding shotgun says, "Don't worry. There's a stop sign at the bottom."
  
  Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
  Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
  Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
  Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
  Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be a dick-head all day long.
  Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.
  
  A mugger walked up to a rich society dame on Park Ave and said, "don't be scared lady, I only want your money"
  Humpff! The society dame said, "You're just like all the other men I know!"
  
  Whats the differents between a young whore and a old whore?
  A young whore use vasoline and a old whore use poly grip!
  
  Two cowboys were sitting in a bar talking about women. The one cowboy said,"Bill, did you hear about the new sex position called rodeo?" Bill answered, "No." "It seems that you have to mount your wife from the rear, reach around and cup her breasts, and say 'These are almost as nice as my girlfriend's.' Then ya see if you can stay on for a full 8 seconds."
  
  Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink.
  If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
  Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  What is the mating call of a blonde? "I think I'm drunk!"
  Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So... out looking for a little, huh
  ?" She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a lot !!!"
  
  Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
  
  What's the advantage of marrying a blonde? You can park in the handicap zone.
  What does a beer bottle and a blonde have in common? Both are empty from the neck up.
  
  A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"
  
  "Sex education has its own special problems," an instructor in the field pointed out to me. "One of my students has become pregnant, and I don't know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit."
  
  "Mom, I'm pregnant." "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" "That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."
  
  I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from person: "How do they know what size screen I have?"
  
  My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"
  
  A drunk was hanging on to a lampost for dear life when an old lady walked by and said, "why don't you take a bus home?” The drunk said, "my wife would never let me keep it."
  
  Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homosexual? A: A hunting dog sics ducks.
  Q: What did one boob say to the other? A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts.
  Q: Why did the condom cross the road? A: Because it was pissed off.
  What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch? Seizure salad.
  What happens when you don't pay your bill at the whorehouse? -They make you do the douches.
  How can you tell if a girl is a redneck? She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow.
  What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all.
  What do you call a German tampon? A Twatstika.
  A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the husband and says "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.
  
  A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me that my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's." His friend says, "Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't f*ck her."
  
  "How did it happen?" asked the doctor. "Tell you the truth, doc," explained the patient, "I was making love with my girl friend on the living room floor when the chandelier crashed down upon us." "Luckily you are a fortunate young man. You have only minor bruises! " "You're right, doc, a minute sooner and it would have fractured her skull!"
  
  There are two gay men living together. One morning one of them wakes up and hears strangesounds coming from the bathroom. He walks in only to see his partner jacking off with a condom on. Surprised, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?" His partner replies "Oh, I was just packing your lunch."
  
  A just-married couple's on a plane on the way to their honeymoon. The wife turns to her new husband and says,"Honey, how will I let you know at night when I want to have sex?" He says, "Simple. Any night you want to have sex, reach over and tug on my dick. And any night you don't want to have sex, tug on it about three hundred and fifty times."
  
  "Nobody wins a tequila drink-off."
  Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"
  Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  
  A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
  
  "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
  
  So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
  
  "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
  
  "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
  
  "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
  
  Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
  Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest? A. No body
  Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining? A. Bone appetite!
  Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day? A. Dayscare centers
  Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? A. His ghoul friend.
  Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? A. Benjamin Frankenstein
  Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert? A. Ice Scream
  Q. What's a monster's favorite play? A. Romeo and Ghouliet
  Q. What do witches put on their hair? A. Scare spray
  Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A. Bamboo
  Q. What's a haunted chicken? A. A poultry-geist
  Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula? A. He has a big D on his pajamas
  Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster? A. Grandma monster
  Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb? A. Because he was in need of a light snack
  Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
  Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make? A. Boo boos
  Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? A. Because of his coffin
  Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies? A. They're good at keeping things under wraps
  Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat? A. Ghost-Toasties
  Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine? A. A wash and wear wolf
  Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car? A. They boo-kle their seatbelts
  Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? A. Count Duckula
  Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A. A cereal killer
  Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly? A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&Ms
  Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party? A. Because everyone was a goblin!
  Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet? A. With a pumpkin patch.
  Q. What do witches use on their hair? A. Scare spray
  Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? A. His other fang.
  Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween? A: Twick or Tweet
  Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? A: Tombstones
  Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? A: It's good for the bones
  Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? A: White Pillowcases
  Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? A: Squash
  Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away
  Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school? A: Spelling
  Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor? A: Because he was coffin
  Q: What does a vampire fear most? A: Tooth decay
  Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account? A: At a blood bank
  Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween? A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup
  Q: Where do mummies go for a swim? A: To the dead sea
  Q: What is Transylvania? A: Dracula's terror-tory
  Q: Where does Dracula water ski? A: On Lake Erie
  Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis? A: A blood vessel
  Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference. A: Pumpkin Pi
  Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? A: Because people are dying to get in.
  Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts.
  Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch? A: A BOO-logna sandwich.
  Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is? A: She looks at her witch-watch.
  Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost? A: Don't spook until your spooken to.
  Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween. A: An amoeboo!
  Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
  Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? A: He was repossessed.
  
  A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one. They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they
  catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied. Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards." Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
  
  A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."
  The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
  
  Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then ?" asked her friend.
  "Oh ! Not yet." the first replied, "I like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
  
  There was man who came home drunk every night. His wife grew tired of it. She decided to cure him of the habit and give him a little scare. She would dress up as the devil, and jump out and scare him when he came home. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid in the bushes to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came home, drunk as a skunk as usual, and approached the house, she jumped out of the bushes and stood before him, with her red horns, long tail, & pitchfork, spitting fire. (Nice trick, eh? - ^v^) "Who are you?" the husband asked. "BOO! I'm the Devil," she hissed
  sinisterly. "You don't scare me! Letís go home," he said, "I married your sister!"
  
  On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later, she came back completely naked except for a emon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment, and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed. Then he came back himself with a potato around his penis. The wife gave him a weird look, and then the husband replied "If you're going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator."
  
  "The Masquerade Ball"
  A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
  
  "Has Anyone Ever Told You..."
  After the Halloween party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The flattered husband said, "No, dear, they haven't." The wife then softly inquired, "Then what the heck gave you that idea at the party tonight?"
  
  Fowl Play...
  A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's horror, eating a fish and a bald eagle. The man is quickly put in jail for the crime. When he was soon brought to trial, the Judge asked the man: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offence?" "Yes I do." replied the man, "but if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." "You may proceed," said the judge. "I got lost in the woods, and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing some fish. I thought that if I startled the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." The judge says he will take a recess to analyse the defendant's testimony. 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers to the prosecution : "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?" "Well your honour, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it's a bit more tender than a California Condor but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."
  
  A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long?
  Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
  
  I know Daddy's password!
  While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
  
  An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
  
  A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!" "Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
  
  Things I learned from children...
  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
  It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20-foot room.
  When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
  If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.. foot house 4 inches deep.
  Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
  Super glue is forever.
  McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
  No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  Pool filters do not like Jello.
  VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
  Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
  It will however make cats dizzy.
  Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.