Daddy's Rules For Teenage Daughters
"8 Rules for Dating my Daughter"
8 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com
When I was in high
school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of
wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately
affect a good-natured-ly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped,
felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to
be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do
my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living
room and they'll stay wilted all night.
"So," I'll call out
jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did
you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"
- As a dad, I have some basic rules,
which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
- Rule One: If you pull into my
driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not
picking anything up.
- Rule Two: You do not touch my
daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you can not keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
- Rule Three: I am aware that it is
considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they
appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that
your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I
will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your
waist.
- Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told
that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
- Rule Five: In order for us to get to
know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you
on this subject is "early."
- Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a
popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry,
I will make YOU cry.
- Rule Seven: As you stand in my front
hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing
the oil in my car?
- Rule Eight: The following places are
not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding
hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain-saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses
her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple
rules from memory.
I'd be embarrassed too--there are
only eight of them, for crying out loud!
And, for the record, I did NOT
suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he
couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him
that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink
washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me
having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out
of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I
figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being
so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of
course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
"8 Rules for Dating my Daughter"
8 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron www.wbrucecameron.com
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