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The last time this page was was on Tuesday, October 31, 2000

• A little something to gross you out :
  Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine.
  The germs present in human feces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper.
  The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
• It is possible to cough your guts up.
  Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.
  The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 *meters* in length.
  Henry II was murdered by by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red hot poker 0.5 meters up his rectum.
  If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.
• Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.
• What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried) You guessed it - pubic hair.
• Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass through the system and be excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.
• A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitis. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. An egg sac was also removed...
• Enjoy your lunch.

• A little something to gross you out :
  Every year, parks in London alone are doused in one million gallons of dog urine.
  The germs present in human feces can pass through up to ten layers of toilet paper.
  The best recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.
• It is possible to cough your guts up.
  Parasites count for 0.01% of your body weight.
  The longest recorded tapeworm found in the human body was 33 *meters* in length.
  Henry II was murdered by by his homosexual lover, who pushed a red hot poker 0.5 meters up his rectum.
  If your body's natural defenses failed, the bacteria in your gut would consume you within 48 hours, literally eating you from the inside out.
• Several well documented instances have been reported of extremely obese people flushing aircraft toilets whilst still sitting on them. The vacuum action of these toilets sucked the rectum inside out.
• What is one of the most difficult items for sewage works to handle, as it is insoluble, yet fine enough to pass through most filtration systems? (Every month Thames Water removes over a ton of this substance from its water treatment plants, whereupon it is taken away to a landfill site and buried) You guessed it - pubic hair.
• Contrary to popular belief, if you swallow chewing gum it does not stay in the gut. Usually it will pass through the system and be excreted without incident. However, several cases have been reported where the gum has stuck in the rectum, causing the unfortunate sufferer to excrete long sticky trails of gum, like a pink spider's web.
• A woman who had recently visited South America, where she had safaried in local rainforest, began to experience severe pains in her left ear, accompanied by headaches, dizziness and constant rustling sounds, at first put down to tinnitis. It became so serious that exploratory surgery was required, which revealed that a spider which had become trapped in her ear. Eventually it had eaten through her eardrum and was living within the aural cavity. The rustling sounds were from the spider crawling around inside her skull. An egg sac was also removed...
• Enjoy your lunch.

• Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than ..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not ..." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.  "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who   turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he  had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't  forget your batteries."

• Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes? "Toes Go In First."

• As the sun rose over Parris Island, the Senior Drill Instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL! A search party was dispatched immediately! After a few hour's, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was returned to the base, and immediately escorted into the Senior Drill Instructor's office. The Senior Drill Instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?" The young recruit replied, "The first day here you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day here you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist. They proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day here you issued me a jock strap and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow.

• A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do home fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, Boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big, Boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind," says the Boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, Boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said Boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah Boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

• Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest  stamps? *
  They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people  couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

• Lawyer's creed:  * A man is innocent until proven broke.

• What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit  bull?  * Lipstick.

• Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?  * The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical  creatures.

• Three nuns, 2 old and 1 young, are killed in a fatal car accident. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter informs them that they each must answer one question correctly to get into heaven. At this point, the young nun is very nervous. She is thinking that the older nuns are so smart and that they know everything there is to know. The oldest nun gets the first question, "Who was the first man?" She replies, "Adam." Ding! Ding! Ding! The gates to heaven open and the old nun is escorted in. The next oldest nun is asked, "Who was the first woman?" She replies, "Eve." Ding! Ding! Ding! The gates open and she is escorted in. At this point the young nun is very nervous, even though she knew the answers to those questions. "The next one just has to be much harder," she thinks. The moment arrives, and her mind is in turmoil. St. Peter asks her, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Buying time, the young nun says, "Boy. That's a hard one." Ding! Ding! Ding!

• A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand but nothing. Then her left, but still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your Neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!!

• To all Employees
  In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). 
  Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
  Thank you,
  BOSS IN GENERAL
  SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
  (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

• The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a   sentence.  Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all  the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word  "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo an  saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for  his bad  language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.  Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten 8."

• There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis.So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that:
  When I was 20, I was curious about it.
  When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
  When I was 40, I asked for it.
  When I was 50, I paid for it.
  When I was 60, I prayed for it.
  When I was 70, I forgot about it.
  Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.

• Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m., but the appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very"satisfied.  "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly. Peter Peter something or other."

• Fairy tales are not what they used to be...Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so. That night, while the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought: "I don't think so."

• When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the Animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter. "What are you doing?" his mom asked.   "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. ... "I'm looking for the seal."

• Brenda O' Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've something' to tell you." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling' you, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."  "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."  Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"   "Well, no Brenda, no."  "No?"  "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

• Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk (computer division):
  Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  
  Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  
  Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  
  Q: How do I create a New Document window?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  
  Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  
  Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  
  Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
  A: Pick it up and shake it.
  
  Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
  A: Don't shake it.

• Performance appraisal terms and their real meanings:
  AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:  Not too bright.
  EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:  Made no major blunders - yet.
  ACTIVE SOCIALLY:  Drinks a lot.
  FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:  Spouse drinks, too.
  CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:  Still one step ahead of the cops.
  ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:   Opinionated.
  QUICK THINKING:  Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
  CAREFUL THINKER:  Won't make a decision.
  TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:  Conceited.
  PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:  Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
  FORCEFUL: Argumentative.
  AGGRESSIVE:  Obnoxious.
  USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS: Gets someone else to do it.
  A KEEN ANALYST:  Thoroughly confused.
  EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL: Speaks English.
  CONSCIENTIOUS: Scared.
  METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL:  A nit picker.
  HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES:  Is tall or has a loud voice.
  EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT:  Lucky.
  KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:  Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
  STRONG PRINCIPLES:  Stubborn.
  CAREER MINDED: Back Stabber.
  COMING ALONG WELL:  About to be let go.
  OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:  Gets to work on time.
  RELAXED ATTITUDE:  Sleeps at desk.
  EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:  Screws up often.
  WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:  Too ugly to get a date.
  INDEPENDENT WORKER:  Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
  FORWARD THINKING:  Procrastinator.
  GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS:  Able to BS well.
  GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:  Spends lots of time on phone.
  LOYAL:  Can't get a job anywhere else.

• Who said Dodo birds are extinct.....
  Dodo #1.
  I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
  Bird #2 
  I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
  Bird #3
  1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
  2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
  1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I  tried it again, and the same thing happened."
  2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
  1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
  Bird #4
  I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dun-no. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
  Bird #5
  Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
  Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
  Tech Support: "Well?"
  Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
  Bird #6
  Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
  
  Bird #7
  One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"

• And the biggest Dodo Bird of them all:
  I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

• CAN'T SEE:  It's after hours in the Botanical Gardens and a young man is lying between a girl's thighs. "Damn," he says, "I wish I had a flashlight."  "So do I," said the girl. "You've been munching grass for the  past ten minutes."

• "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow."

• A guy walks into a bar in Alabama. Bartender looks at him and says "You ain't from around here, where you from, boy?" He says, "I'm from New York." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in New York?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is that?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the bar patrons - "It's OK, guys, he's one of *us*!

• Q: "Why don't witches wear underwear?  
  A: So they can get a better grip "

• Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
  A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

• "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to BANGkok."

• A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.  He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?."

• Charles so loved his wife that he had her name tattooed on his manhood. When aroused, it said, "WENDY", when not, it said simply "WY". On vacation at a nude beach in Jamaica, he stood at a bar in the sand. He noticed a local standing next to him had "WY" tattooed in the same area of his anatomy. Charles asked, "Excuse me! Would that happen to say "Wendy"? "No," replied the local. It says, "WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY."

• WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
  1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  2. Dogs like beer.
  3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
  4. Dogs don't criticize.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. Dogs never expect gifts.
  7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
  8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
  9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24hours a day.
  10. Dogs don't cry.
  11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
  13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late-the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
  14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
  15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
  18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
  20. A dog's parents never visit.

• HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
  1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
  2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
  3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
  4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
  5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
  6. Both want dominance.
  7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
  8. Both chase cars.
  9. The larger ones tend to drool.
  10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

• HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
  1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
  3. You can train a dog.
  4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
  6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
  8. Dogs are color blind.
  9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

• A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

• A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe  disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the  following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

• Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually suck on a Lifesaver." After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"

• HOW TO COOK A TURKEY:
  Step 1: Remove the turkey from the refrigerator
  Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
  Step 3: Place the turkey in the oven
  Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
  Step 5: Turn oven the on
  Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
  Step 7: Set the degree at 375 ovens
  Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
  Step 9: Turk the bastey
  Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
  Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
  Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
  Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
  Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
  Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
  Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
  Step 17: Turk the carvey
  Step 18: Hands blood wash off; place Aid-Band(s) over cut(s)
  Step 19: Get yourself another scottle of botch
  Step 20: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
  Step 21: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

• This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
  MAN: "What was that for?"
  WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary-Lou written on it?"
  MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Mary-Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.
  Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
  MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?"
  WIFE: "Your horse called."

• A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer. The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?" To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer." Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo. The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses. The cop, really pissed off this time, says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday" The man smiles and replies "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"

• "Rancher & Lawyer" A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young fella, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that damn bull came home this morning."

• "Vet's Pills" A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has serviced all  my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."

• "This Bull Reproduced..." This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced  60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments,  "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen,  this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary   specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,  "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about   YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, "Sure, once a day!....... But ask the auctioneer if  they were all with the same cow!!!"

• A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

• An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the days route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!

• DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN
  NICKNAMES: If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
  EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
  MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
  BATHROOMS:
  A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
  ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
  FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
  DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
  NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

• Cats
  Cats do what they want, when they want.
  They rarely listen to you.
  They're totally unpredictable.
  They whine when they are not happy.
  When you want to play they want to be left alone.
  When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  They're moody.
  They leave their hair everywhere.
  They drive you nuts.
  Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

• "Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life"
  Your stationery has fax number, 2 e-mail addresses,  & your Internet address.
  You have two or more Internet Service Providers.
  You disdain people who use low baud, screen refresh or MHz rates.
  You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  You need to fill out a form with a typewriter; but you only know computers with laser printers.
  You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
  You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
  You think of gadgets as "friends," but forget to send real friends birthday cards.
  You have a good copier and a fax, but your toaster turns bread into charcoal.
  You use all the Internet terms in conversations without even thinking about it.
  You sign cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
  And worse: you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever!
  The fact that the term "CD" could also refer to finance/music rarely occurs to you.
  In a computer store, you answer the customers' questions; the salesperson listens.
  You know hundreds of e-mail address and URLs, but not your social security number.
  You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with the term "voice number."
  You read computer manuals faster than everyone else reads fiction novels.
  At computer trade shows you map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance.
  And finally... You actually understood all the jokes in this message.

• "Ancient Tech Support"
  The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate: This fire help. Me Grog Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work. You have flint and stone? Ugh You hit them together? Ugh What happen? Fire not work (sigh) Make spark? No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday. *sigh* You change rock? I change nothing You sure? Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream  so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't   keep Lorto from make fire. *Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave* *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

• Great Comebacks...
  As smart as bait.
  All foam, no beer.
  Your slinky's kinked.
  No grain in the silo.
  Chimney's clogged.
  He's surfing in Nebraska.
  A Chimps IQ test failure.
  His skylight leaks a little.
  Dumber than a box of hair.
  His receiver is off the hook.
  Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  A sandwich short of a picnic.
  The lights on but nobodies in.
  A few clowns short of a circus.
  The cheese slid off his cracker.
  A few peas short of a casserole.
  A few beers short of a six-pack.
  He's two bricks shy of a full load.
  Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
  Her sewing machine's out of thread.
  An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  One taco short of a combination plate.
  Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
  His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  You're a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  Doesn't have all his Corn flakes in one box.
  If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
  An intellect rivaled only by a tub of worms.
  Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  His IQ is less than a school zone speed limit.
  His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
  Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
  Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
  Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  In the pinball game of life, your flippers are a little too far apart.
  Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

• "George?"  "Yes, father."
  "George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to  promise you'll answer truthfully. Will you?" "Yes, father."  "Good. Now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"  "No, father."    "You're quite sure?" "Yes, father."  "Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George." "Why, father?"   "Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little   hatchet."  "Oh." "In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer,  George?"  "No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."  "You still insist you were telling me the truth?" "In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."  "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, you asked me if I had 'cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed to me that 'cutting' is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own mind it seemed that, since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was   not a "cutting' relationship. I would call it a 'chopping'   relationship." "Very well. I'll give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully.  Did you chop down my cherry tree?"  "No, father."  "No? No? Why do you still say no?"  "Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not  'chop down' your cherry tree."  "Well, what did you do, then?"  "I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."  "So you chopped it down."  "No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall  down. The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented, would presumably still be up, not down." "George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my cherry tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the tree to fall down?" "No, father." "NO? NO? IT'S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?" "I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What is that object at which I am pointing with my childish little   finger?" "It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."   "And isn't the stump part of the tree, father?"  "It is." "In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father, since, without a stump there would be no tree?" "I guess so."   "Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped down the tree, my own mind said to me, "George, you must tell the truth." And the truthful answer is no. Truly the tree has been chopped, and although gravity caused part of the tree to fall down, the most  important part of the tree is still standing."  "I see."  "All I can suppose father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated claims allege they saw me "cut down' the entire "tree' were motivated not by a search for truth but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am from Virginia." "George, you're a real crafty Son-Of-A-Bitch."  "Thank you father." "Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"   "Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as the first White House lawyer."

• Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.  "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don`t take me seriously so I only play for  money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I`m up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don`t care - any night next week is OK with me."

• These three guys go down to some Latin American country one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they've done. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so we better let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they better let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Fightin` Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I`ll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

• Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well sir, it's Hillary's handwriting."

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to `beautiful`?" I asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

"Out Fishing"
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see your fishing' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he  don't have one."

• "Important Tips For Safe Boating Fun!"
  When launching a boat, always back the boat into the water. Pulling the boat into the water can really mess up your carburetor.
  When water-skiing, never allow a feisty duck to hitch a ride on your skis.
  Always stay at least five boat-lengths behind the whale in front of you.
  While sinking to the bottom of a lake or ocean, screaming does not help.
  When boating, always wear a swimsuit with suspenders. This makes it easier on the guys with the grappling hook when they're trying to retrieve your body.
  Drowning can cause severe shortness of breath.  And you don't even want to think about what it does to your complexion.
  Always wear a life jacket in case you fall overboard.
  Also, it's a good idea to take along something to read, in case you're swallowed by a whale. Most whales seem to enjoy Moby Dick.
  Boating while intoxicated is not illegal in some states, but it's stupid in all of them.

"The Gas Grill"
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting HUGE.  I bet it is as big as the gas grill now."  The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard  stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.  "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her  husband the rest of the day.  That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey?  How about a little lovemaking?"   The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him  the cold shoulder.  "What's the matter?" he asked.  To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this  big grill for your one little weenie, do you?"

• "Southerners"
  The Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner  say ever, no matter how much they've had to drink, no  matter how far from the South they've wandered and no   matter how much the skunks are threatening...
  39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
  38. Duct tape won't fix that
  37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
  36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
  35. We don't keep firearms in this house
  34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  33. You can't feed that to the dog
  32. I thought Graceland was tacky
  31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
  30. Wrasslin's fake
  29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  28. We're vegetarians
  27. Do you think my hair is too big?
  26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
  25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
  24. Who's Richard Petty?
  23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds
  22. Deer heads detract from the decor
  21. Spitting is such a nasty habit
  20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
  19. Trim the fat off the steak
  18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
  17. The tires on that truck are too big
  16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad
  15. I've got it all on a floppy disk
  14. Unsweetened tea tastes better
  13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  12. My fiancé, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
  11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
  10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
  9. Checkmate
  8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini
  7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
  5. I don't have a favorite college team
  4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
  3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long
  2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer
  And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is,
  1.  Elvis who?

"Mind Reader"
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately  to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming  outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and  got into the water.  After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old  ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got  out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby.  He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.  The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and  wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'  'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'  'Yes,' the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket  you're holding has a bottom.'

• Mr. Murphy's Last Wishes...
  Mrs. Murphy goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that her husband's last words were to be buried in a dark blue suit. Mr. Levy, the funeral director, says: "It would be a lot easier to bury him in a black suit that he's wearing." Mrs. Murphy responds: "It was my poor Sean's last wishes! It must be a blue suit. Here's a blank check to cover the cost." When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells Mr. Levy how much she loves the suit. "And how much did it cost?" she asks. The funeral director smiles: "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the widow, Mrs. Chan, if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her... "So... I just switched the heads."

• A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him: "What's up with the jar?"
  Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests you get all of the money."
  Man: "What are the three tests?"
  Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
  Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do.
  First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you   can't make a face while doing it.   Second, there's a pit bull chained up out  back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare  hands. Third, there's a 90 year     old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.
  Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then  get crazier from there."
  Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar."
  Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Nowwwww," he says, "whersssss that woman widt the sore tooth?"

• Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary asks Chelsea, "You've been going to college for a while now. Have you had sex yet?" Chelsea replies, "Well, not according to Dad."

"Twenty Dollars Per Hour"
"Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work. Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, sonny, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired." "But Daddy, just tell me please! How much do you make an hour," the boy insisted. The father, finally giving up, replied: "Twenty dollars per hour." "Okay, Daddy. Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked. Showing his restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled: "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!" It was already dark, and the father was meditating on what he said and was feeling guilty. Maybe he thought, his son wanted to buy something. Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep, son?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy, partially asleep. "Here's the money asked for earlier, " the father said. "Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son had just said. "Daddy, could you sell me one hour of your time?"

• "Memory Loss"
  An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears. "Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here." "Calm down. How long have you been like this?" "Like what?"

• "Big Chief Forget-me Not"
  An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How?" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.

• A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

• The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

• "Down in Florida Waters..."
  While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said. "Wow," said the breathless still-swimming tourist and slowed down. The beachcomber then added, "The sharks got 'em."

• "Topless 'Enhanced' Woman"
  One day there was a big lady swimming in the ocean by the beach. Suddenly, she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked over to her towel. So she went, and nobody seemed to notice her as she approached her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her and said, "Hey, lady!" "What?" asked the startled lady. "If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."

• Cars, cars, cars... What would people do without cars? Well... Walking, probably.
  "Automobile Acronyms"
  AUDI
  Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
  Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
• BMW
  Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
  Big Money Works
  Bought My Wife
  Brutal Money Waster
• BUICK
  Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
• CHEVROLET
  Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
  Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
• DODGE
  Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
  Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
• FIAT
  Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
  Fix It All the Time
  Fix it again, Tony!
• FORD
  backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
  First On Recall Day
  First On Rust and Deterioration
  Fix Or Repair Daily
  Found On Road, Dead
  Fault Of R&D
  Fast Only Rolling Downhill
  Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
• GM
  General Maintenance
• GMC
  Garage Man's Companion
  Got A Mechanic Coming?
• HONDA
  Had One Never Did Again
• HYUNDAI
  Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
• MAZDA
  Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
• OLDSMOBILE
  Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
  Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
• PONTIAC
  Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac
• SAAB
  Send Another Automobile Back
  Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
• TOYOTA
  Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
• VOLVO
  Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
• VW
  Virtually Worthless
  
• Those Surly Germans...
  Those German controllers at Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
  Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear to active."
  Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate."
  The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
  Ground: "Speedbird, do you know where you are going?"
  Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
  Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
  Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

• There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first. The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer. When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer. This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, "Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?" "We can't," said the woman.  "Why not?" came the reply. "Because I'm a transvestite" replied the woman.  "YOU BITCH!" screamed the lawyer, "...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!"
• On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a  fatal car accident. When St. Peter comes to Heaven's gate, they ask  if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This  is the first time anyone ever asked. I'll find out."  The couple waits a couple of months and they begin to wonder if they  really want to marry in Heaven and for all eternity. "What if it doesn't work out? Are we stuck together forever?" Another month goes by, and  St. Peter, looking rather bedraggled, tells the couple "Yes, you can get married in Heaven." Great," the couple says, "but what if it doesn't work out? Could we get  a divorce in Heaven? St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard to the  ground. "Jeez Louise," St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to  find  a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to  find a lawyer???"

• "'Twas a Night Before Crisis"
  '''Twas the night before crisis,
  And behind White House doors,
  Not a creature was stirring,
  Especially Al Gore.
  
  The interns were nestled,
  Dressed in their berets,
  In hopes that Saint Bubba
  Would come out to play.
  
  When on the East Lawn,
  There arose such a clatter,
  Even Sam Donaldson
  Lost control of his bladder.
  
  Away to our TVs
  We flew like a flash,
  There's a special report,
  And it's pre-emptying M*A*S*H!
  
  And what to our wondering
  Eyes should appear,
  But a homely lil' troll,
  With tapes for us to hear.
  
  With a K-Mart bought blazer,
  And a bad frizzy 'do,
  And a tale to be told--
  To me, and to you.
  
  On the chair! On the carpet!
  On the Oval Office desk!
  With a chubby young intern,
  Who was all eyes and chest.
  
  The Pres had been careless,
  Indeed, dumb and dumber.
  Now the whole world knew
  Bubba had gotten a hummer.
  
  And Monica Lewinsky
  Emerged from the rubble,
  If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
  We'd not have all this trouble.
  
  And thus set in motion,
  A whole web o' spiders,
  With pundits galore,
  And "White House insiders."
  
  You ask, "Who would care
  About Bill and his penis?"
  Republican Ken Starr,
  And he's armed with subpoenas!
  
  More rapid than eagles,
  Process servers, they flew!
  "Here's one for you!
  And for you! And you, too!"
  
  "Now Jordan! Now Graham!
  Is there anyone else?!?
  Let's subpoena the lawyers!
  And Bubba himself!!"
  
  "We want you to tell us
  About Bill's private life,
  And anyone he sleeps with,
  'cept, of course, his wife."
  
  And many months later,
  After long we've all suffered,
  Let's examine more closely
  Just what Starr's uncovered.
  
  We've learned "Little Bill"
  Has a mind of his own,
  And-horror of horrors-
  He likes to get blown!
  
  A funny fact surfaced,
  After 40 million bucks:
  Seems most people don't care
  Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
  
  The economy's great,
  And shows no signs of slowing.
  Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
  NEVER stops blowing!
  
  Now the public's grown weary.
  Will this sleaze never end?
  We just want to get back
  To "E.R.", and to "Friends."
  
  Now Monica, Linda --
  And Ken Starr, you all suck-
  Get the hell off my TV,
  Your 15 minutes are up.

• An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window"

• "Strange Collar"
  An old Jewish man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many." The Jewish man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Er... Mister, perhaps, you should wear your pants backwards."

• "The Priest And The Bum"
  A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a subway one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened he opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man." "Geez, I'll be damned," uttered the drunk and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis.. "

• Subject: drunk priest...
  A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.
  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the Cherry".
  The Father, son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,and Spook.
  The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
  When David was hit with a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for this is my body", he did not say "Eat Me."
  ......although it was funny .....on the whole we prefer you to be nervous.

• "The Emotional Male"
  One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"

• "If a light sleeper can't sleep with a light on, why can a hard sleeper sleep with a hard-on?

• "Breaking Up"
  The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

• Two guys were driving home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they are both a bit bored. The driver, looking around suddenly points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look", he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, surprised at his colleague naivete, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?". The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he never has. So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's really good. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, get your wife a large gin and tonic and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks: "Well. How did it go?" To which the driver replies "It was great; but it took me six gin and tonics just to get her naked in the front lawn.

• A guy walks into a bar for a drink, looks over in the corner and sees this little guy, 1 foot tall, playing a piano. He chuckles and walks to the bar and orders "Magic Punch" from the bartender. The bartender informs him that this is a special drink and that the buyer gets to make one wish. "Be careful what you wish for" says the bartender, "Every wish is cursed." The man shrugs this off and wishes for something safe, "I Wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden, the back doors swing open and a million ducks come flying out over his head. "You asshole." he screams, "I wanted a million BUCKS not a million DUCKS." "Oh yeah" says the bartender, "You think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

• Stanley was a healthy sperm.   He would swim around all day while all of the other sperm would just sit on their fat asses. One day another sperm came up to him and asked him why he did all of this. Stanley replied "Only one sperm gets the girls pregnant and I am going to be that one." Then the day came when they felt themselves getting hotter and hotter and they felt it was time to go. Bang! The race was off, and Stanley was way ahead of the pack. All of a sudden he felt something wasn't right. Then he knew...he turned in vain and screamed "Guys go back it's only a blow-job!"

• There were these two gay guys.   And they were like fucking each other real good. So then one of them has to go to the store so he tells the other one ", Don't do anything while I'm gone. Don't jack off, masturbate, or anything until I'm back" so the other guy agrees. An hour later, the other guy comes back and finds all this white sticky stuff on the wall, and he becomes very pissed. So he tells the other guy "what did I say! I told you not to masturbate without me!" and the other guy says " I didn't. I just farted"

• 13"
  If you had a 13-inch dick sticking out of your forehead, how much of it could you see?
  None ... Your huge balls would be hanging in your eyes.

• Actually, It's French
  Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one of the booths. All the waitresses are knock-down gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table... She asked: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: "A quickie." The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: "What would you like, Mr. President?" Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A Quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, "Um, Mr. President, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'."

• FDA Warnings
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an fool.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
  WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
  WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
• Bag Over His Head
  Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

• Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
  It's Hookerriffic!
  As seen on "COPS."
  We put the "Ho" in "Motel"
  Not just for nooners anymore.
  We'll just leave the Lysol there for ya!
  We're working on that smell thing, too.
  Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother.
  We left off the 9, but you know it's what we mean...
  You rented the room, now we'll sell you the video!
  Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
  We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*!
  If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets.
  Blurring the line between stains and avant grade sheets art since 1962!
  Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
  Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.

• Shingles
  One fella walked into a doctor's surgery and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles". So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

• What was Clinton's last gift to Monica? Spot remover.
  What is Clinton's worst nightmare? An intern with braces
  What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips? Lays.
  What do Americans call a " Mouth Organ " ? 'ar-Monica.
  Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird? The Spread Eagle.
  Hillary is planning to install the latest security device on Bill's zipper. It's called Blow-jack.
  What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office? "Don't hit your head on the desk."
  What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her story? "NOW she decides to open her mouth"
  What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."
  The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been released. This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.
  As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

• There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a root? I'll give you 20 bucks!" She says, "I'm willing, let's go". They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.. After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and says, "Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks". Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken my panty hose off!"

• Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know,I've never come this way before." The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

• A women who had been out of town all week was greeted by her daughter who said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came into the room with the neighbor lady and they both took all their clothes off and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and . . ." Mom held her hand up and said, "Not another word! I want you to tell your father exactly you've just told me." The father came home and the wife tells him she's leaving him. "But why?" the husband said. "Go ahead, dear, tell daddy what you just told me." "Well" said the little girl, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the neighbor lady next door and they both got undressed and got in bed together. And then daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Sam when Daddy was away last summer!"

"Trouble At 40,000 Feet"
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window. "Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?" The pilot confirmed that they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

"Train Failure"
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

God is tired, worn out.  So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God about screams. "It's way too hot for me there!" "I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went There, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking About it!"

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money... but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says, "Yes....ANYTHING!!" With that the man says,"Follow me!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!" She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

The Ballerina
This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless, stained sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big ol' hairy smelly armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar. "What gentleman here will buy a young lady a drink?" she asks in a quite husky voice. The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. The men next to her quickly move away -- just because of her body odor. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says: "Bartender! Put it on my tab. I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender obliges and pours the drink. After she chugalugs the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her ripe, hairy armpit. "What gentleman here will buy a young lady a drink?" she again asks. Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says: "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!" After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk.. "It's your business," says the bartender, "if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir!" replies the drunk. "In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has to be a ballerina!"

"Roast Ghost"
KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking. The bird sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbors. But there were no chickens anywhere. Then Martin realized with horror that the sound was coming from her own kitchen--coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour earlier. "It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave," she says. "It was so bizarre I just froze." As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo. They took the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away. Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink. She noticed that the vocal chords were intact. "Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing," says Martin, and this had caused the dead bird to squawk. She has not cooked chicken since. I don't think I would either.........

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible more, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery." Priest says: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest says, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest says, "What did you do?" Man says, "I committed adultery." Priest asks, "How many times?" Man reply's, "Three times." Priest says, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more." The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi says, "What did you do?" Woman reply's, "I committed adultery." Rabbi asks, "How many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

"A Price of a Grade"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national\par park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read . One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the parks ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?' "You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and charge you." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger. Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment..."

"Organizational Chart"
When Blue Collar workers get together, they talk about football.
When Middle Management get together, they talk about tennis.
When Top Management gets together, they talk about golf.
Logical Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

"10 Minutes Late?"
So, there are three golfers, (Bob, Max and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I maybe about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday, but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Well... That's when I'm about ten minutes late."

"Private Lessons"
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

"Jewish-Chinese Dialogue"
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese were. "Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too." The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old. We're about to celebrate the New Year 5,759!" The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.. "Where did your people eat for almost two thousand years?"

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over.The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.
State cop: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know its been out for two months."
State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$` mouth!!!"
State cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left." "None," replied Johnny, "`cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

Know Your Lawyers
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Born Without Hair
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

"Colored?"
When I was born, I was black. When I grew up, I was black. When I am sick, I am black. When I go out in the sun, I am black. When I am cold, I am black. When I die, I will be black. But you... when you are born, your are pink. When you grow up, you are white. When you are sick, you are green. When you go out in the sun, you turn red. When you are cold, you turn blue. When you die, you turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored?

Anal Deodorant
A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done so for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use.

Painting
At a San Francisco art exhibition, a young woman was staring at a painting of three completely naked black men sitting on a park bench. What was so unusual about painting was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. While the woman was scratching her head trying to understand the inner meaning of the painting, the artist sauntered by and noticed her state of confusion... "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the woman. "I was curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?" "Oh," smiled said the artist. "I'm afraid you've completely misinterpreted the meaning of the painting... The three men are not Africans, they're English coal miners -- and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!"

Dental Patient
The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. "Show him, honey."

Thin Food
Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about, noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone by his bed rings... "This is your doctor," said the serious voice. "We just got the results back from your battery of tests. Obviously, you have lead a very promiscuous life." Ralph smiled: "And I've enjoyed every minute!" The doctor's voice became even more serious: "Well you're not going to enjoy this; We've found you have an extremely nasty disease called G.A.S.H. It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes!" "My gosh, doctor!" said Ralph, now quite worried. "What are you going to do?" The doctor explained: "The first thing we're going to do is put you on a strict diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "How long will I have to be on that diet?" "For the rest of your life." "Will that cure me?" asked Ralph. "Well no," said the doctor. "but, it's the only food we can get under the door."

"Flying First Class"
"Flying First Class" On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, " You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin: " Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class." Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues... "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person." Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to the lady, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..." At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane.

Hunting
While a Texan was busily preparing for the first day of deer hunting season, his wife started nagging that he never asked her to go along. After several hours of argument the wife won. That next morning they drove out to the country, and he placed his wife in a tree about 100 yards from his blind. Just as the hunter reached the blind, he heard a loud bang coming from the wife's position. As he ran up to her, he saw that she was holding her gun on a man nearby and shouting, "It's my deer! Get away from It!! The sheepish-looking stranger just nodded slowly and said, "OK, lady.. It's your deer. Just let me get my saddle off of it!"

Seven Times
There once was a young catholic woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The Priest said "NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
Mike Tyson virus..............Quits after one byte.
Joey Buttafuoco virus..........Only attacks minor files.
X-files virus..................All your Icons start shape shifting.
Titanic virus.................Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus..................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Ellen Degeneres virus.........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Saddam Hussein virus...........Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus............Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.
Lorena Bobbit virus...........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Monica Lewinsky virus.........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Spice Girl virus...............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus............Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. But it'll be back.
Sharon Stone virus............Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Prozac virus...................Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.......Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Tim Allen virus...........Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus..............Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
George Michaels virus........Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
Sony Bono virus................Just when you get surfing the Web, a firewall appears out of no where.
Oprah Winfrey virus......Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Martha Stewart virus...........Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Latex
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Princess Diana
What dress was Di wearing ? Crushed Velvet.
What does Diana stand for? Died In A Nasty Accident
Knock, Knock Who's there? Diana Diana who? Forgotten her already?
What do Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last hit was The Wall.
What's the difference between Di and Tiger Woods ? Tiger has a better driver .
What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian? A solidly-built Pole.
What were Dodi and Di drinking before they left the Ritz? A wallbanger and a couple of chasers.
Did you hear about the princess that stayed out after midnight? She turned into a pillar of concrete.
Did you hear that Di has something in common with George Burns? They both died when they hit 100.
What's the difference between a Lada and a Mercedes?... Princess Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Lada.
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas? A ticket to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chaffeur ride home.
Did you hear that the French doctors could have saved Diana, but they didn't have the parts for a 1961 Princess?
Pink Floyd is expected to contribute to the upcoming benefit album by singing "all in all, it's just another Brit in the wall".
Did you hear that Princess Diana was on the radio on the day of her death, and the radiator, the dash and the windscreen.
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passerby said "morning" Charles said "No, just walking the dog".
What did St Peter say to Princess Diana when she arrived at the Pearly Gates? Okay, you can come in, but wipe that Merc off your face.
What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? You get mints after dinner in London and after dinner at the Paris Ritz you get minced.

Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
MCI: for friends and family.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Chevron: use them? people do.
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border .
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are.
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

Yes, More Clinton Jokes...
Q. What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
A. Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and
Clinton doesn't know the difference.
President Clinton has decided to recruit interns from only four colleges:
Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue"
Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added the 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff"
Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it helps inflation, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.
Computer executives say that Windows 98 goes down so much they are should rename it MONICA 98.
With Kennedy we had Camelot. With Clinton we have Came-A-Lot.
Arkansas is very proud of Clinton in that not a single one of these women coming forward is his sister!

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming: "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"

Help Me
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Grade One Concert
The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause... Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience. Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says..."Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first... 'JOHNNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

"Czechoslovakian Companion"
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE! "What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

"Proposition"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your children's children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and your parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment with a puzzled face, then asked, "OK, so... What's the catch?"

One Liners
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese .
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol .
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm .
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding .
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I intend to live forever so far, so good .
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress. Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of .
Support bacteria they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Even Viagra Won't Help...
A little old lady was sitting on her front porch in her rocking chair, reflecting on her long life, when suddenly her fairy godmother approached her to grant her three wishes. "What would you like for your first wish," she asked. The little old lady said: "I guess I'm like everyone else, and would like to be rich." POOF !!! Her rocking chair turned into solid gold. "And, for your second wish?" asked her fairy godmother. The little old lady said, "Well, again, like everyone else, I wish I were young and beautiful." POOF !!! The little old lady was now a beautiful young woman. "And, for your third and final wish?" asked her fairy godmother. The now-beautiful young woman was trying to come up with her last wish when Burt, her tom-cat, walked across the porch in front of her. "Ooh! Can you turn Burt into a handsome young prince?" POOF !!! Suddenly, before her very eyes, was the most handsome young prince she had ever seen. He smiled at her with a manliness that made her knees week. Her heart beat quickly as sensuous lust coursed through her every fiber. The handsome young prince slowly approached her and whispered softly in her ear: "I just wish you had not had me neutered..!!!!!!!!!."

"Henpecked?"
Up in Heaven there are two lines: One with a sign that says, "If you were Henpecked, line up here", the other saying, "If you weren't henpecked, stand here." One day St. Peter was looking at the new arrivals, and he saw the "Henpecked" line going on forever... while the "Non-henpecked" line only had 1 guy standing in it. St. Peter walked up to him and said, "You mean to tell me you were never henpecked in your whole life??" The guy said, "Well I guess not, this is where my wife told me to stand."

"Do You Have Contol?"
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said,"'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

"Assertion"
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said, "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with he boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his smiling wife calmly and rather sweetly, "The undertaker."

Oil
"What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"

Soap and Water
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Kite
A man is in his front yeard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells. "You need more tail." The father turns to his son and sys, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite!"

Boyfriend: "Why do you never scream my name when you come?"
Girlfriend: "Because you're never there when it happens."

"Populating The Earth?"
After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

"Why Women Scream?"
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman. So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord. "Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord. "Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this .. woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord." "You shall make her brain, slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord. "The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord. "And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Seventy five, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord. "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord. "Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter. "No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"
Well....... now you know!

A gal enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure." she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."

A young couple's new baby boy was born with no eyelids. The plastic surgeon told them he could construct their sons eyelids with the skin from his circumcision. After the surgery the new parents asked the doctor if their son's new eyelids would work properly. The doctor said, "They will work just fine except..." The parents asked "Except what doctor?" The doctor said "He might look at you cockeyed.

For those of you who are interested in the real reason that Ken Star and the Republicans are out to get Bill Clinton, it is because: The Republicans are jealous of the sexual activities of the Democrats. After all, who ever heard of a GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT!
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

One Liners:
Cats, the other white meat.
Cat's, they taste like chicken!!
I drink grape juice, because OJ kills!
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
He who laughs last thinks the slowest!
One more Sin won't make Hell any hotter!
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Of millions of sperm, YOU were the strongest?
NO ONE is listening until you make a mistake!
A flashlight is a storage case for dead batteries.
LOTTERY: a tax on people who are bad at math.
If one does not like to hear SHIT, don't be an ASSHOLE.
Hard work has a future payoff. Lazieness pays off now.
The measure of a man is not by the length of his profile.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "SMART"?
We are born naked, wet and hungry, then things get worse!
Trust me With Your Life But Not Your Money Or Your Wife.
God must have liked stupid people, He made so many of them.
Fat on a woman is like sugar in a tea pot, it settles at the bottom!
Do you have a mother in law that sucks ...and a wife that doesn't?
An Anti-virus program consists of chicken soup and plenty of rest.
Have no expectations, I won't leave you with any disappointments.
Half of knowing what you want, is knowing what you'll give up to get it.
I've been told "that must be Jello, because Jam don't wiggle like that"!!
It may be fun to soar with eagles, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Women don't snore, belch or fart, therefore they must bitch or they will blow up!
Remember you can always prick your finger, but, you can never finger your prick.
I'm not prejudice, I hate everyone, and even have a black/white television that was made in Japan.
Women don't fart as often as men because they don't shut up long enough to build up any pressure.
Why is toilet paper scented?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why do they have brail on driveup ATM's?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Where are the germs that cause GOOD breath?
Why do they sterilize needles for a lethal injection?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do slim chance and fat chance mean the same thing?
If there is no God, who pop's up the next Kleenex in the box?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they call them apartments when they are so close together?
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pans?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they have billboards that say "If you can't read, call 1-800-TEACHME"?
Why does the psychic hotline ask for your creditcard number?? Shouldn't they already know it?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
If fire fighters fight fires, and crime fighters fight crime, then what do freedom fighters fight?
If 7-Eleven is open 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
If, while crossing the street, I am struck and killed by a beer truck, is that an alcohol related accident ? Will my insurance pay off ?

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