CONTACT:
Ringo Starr
kristuphil.com
Phone: 1-800-ASS-FART
Fax: 609-750-1392
Cell Phone: 906-510-0795
Email: lehman-browns@linkline.com
Web site: http://www.kristuphil.com
kristuphil.com Upgrades WWW Site
Entire Staff Killed in Office Fire
Novato, CA - August 4, 2001-- Yesterday, kristuphil, inc., a multi-international "everything company" and illegal drug/child porn/software piracy/freon/leaded gasoline mecca, announced yesterday their new, redesigned web-site yesterday. The moon-based company, which was awarded the "Best of the Best of the Best of the Best" in last year's Alma Awards, is known for its seedy foundation and general lack of integrity. It acts as home for such patently chrematophobic "no product, no service" corporations as the independent record label Farting Pig Recordings, the aprosexia-inducing Fustian Publishing, the anti-productive Defective Software, and the company with the most threateningly helpful staff, Günter Münty Fütwear.
The announcement doesn't come as a surprise; the previous site was visibly and functionally aged, and would have made for decreased sales had kristuphil, inc. been selling anything. kristuphil.com has made a move from a content-based format to an appearance-based format, a tactic that experts say might distract potential customers from the limited content offered on the site, instead focussing the attention on the presentation. Chairman Ringo Starr had this to say about the change: "My dad always told me, don't shit where you eat, and that kind of rubbed off on me. When I was out back cleaning it off, some asshole changed our page around. Whatever. It's not like we're going to fix it or anything. Jesus Fuckin' Christ."
The company is acutely aware of the fact that the site never has any visitors: "We've never really taken the Internet seriously," says company future-analyst and British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "None of the companies we've been in contact with has noticed any real increase in sales [due to Internet publicity], and even if they had, we just don't like the Internet. I'm confident that the next couple weeks will see the return of both Godzilla and my chronic diarrhea."
While kristuphil, inc.'s web page has evolved over the years, the company's standards have not. Company Real Estate Contract Specialist and current Dalai Lama of Tibet, Lhamo Thondup: "Culture is not a living system. It was perfected in 1878 when Gilbert & Sullivan's 'HMS Pinafore' made its premiere in London. There's a proof [of this] on our web site. We therefore need to make no adjustments to anything; anything we do is pure frippery and extremely trivial." (Despite His Holyness' words, there is no proof on the site.) He adds, "Of course, no one had any idea that I might be anything other than an ordinary baby. It was almost unthinkable that more than one tulku could be born into the same family and certainly [to] my parents that I would be proclaimed Dalai Lama. I myself likewise had no particular intimation of what lay ahead. My earliest memories are very ordinary. One thing that I remember enjoying particularly as a very young boy was going into the hen coop to collect the eggs with my mother and then staying behind. I liked to sit in the hens’ nest and make clucking noises. Another favourite occupation of mine as an infant was to pack things in a bag as if I was about to go on a long journey. 'I’m going to Lhasa, I’m going to Lhasa,' I would say. This, coupled with my insistence that I be allowed always to sit at the head of the table, was later said to be an indication that I must have known that I was destined for greater things."
The Dalai Lama is held to be the reincarnation of each of the previous thirteen Dalai Lamas of Tibet (the first having been born in 1351 AD), who are in turn considered to be manifestations of Avalokiteshvara, or Chenrezig, Bodhisattva of Compassion, holder of the White Lotus. The Dalai Lama is also believed to be a manifestation of Chenrezig, in fact the seventy-fourth in a lineage that can be traced back to a Brahmin boy who lived in the time of Buddha Shakyamuni. "I am often asked whether I truly believe this. The answer is not simple to give. But as a fifty-six year old, when I consider my experience during this present life, and given my Buddhist beliefs, I have no difficulty accepting that I am spiritually connected both to the thirteen previous Dalai Lamas, to Chenrezig and to the Buddha himself."
A revamp of kristuphil.com's four hosted sites has also been planned. You can expect more news in the upcoming weeks.
Though I wouldn't recommend it.