kristuphil, inc.
Really good ad. co
Mission
We at kristuphil, inc. have made it our mission and aspiration to be able to openly screw over our customers while telling them so to their faces. We're not there yet, but we will never, ever give up. Ever.
In addition, we're dedicated to making the more bester stuff, too. We promise you that if any other company offers something that seems better than anything we make (or brand with our logos), that product will break or become unusable within two (2) weeks of your sending it to us.
Just look at what people are saying about us:
"A+"
--Phil Lehman-Brown
"Kicked a$$!"
--General Admission Reviews
"It was good."
--The Crow III: Salvation
Mission
kristuphil, inc. has always been around. Remember the Renaissance? We did that. Remember JFK? We know you do. He was one of ours. Remember Abraham Lincoln? Ours. Remember Jesus, Martin Luther King, Mohandas Gandhi and Carl Djerassi? All ours.
But to be fair, Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, Vlad Tepes (the Impaler), Tomas de Torquemada, Ivan Vasilyevich (the Terrible), Adolph Eichmann, Pol Pot, Mao Tse-tung, Idi Amin, Joseph Stalin, Genghis Khan, H. H. Holmes, Gilles de Rais, Nicolae Ceausescu, Basil the Bulgar Slayer, Heinrich Himmler, Tallat Pasha, John Gacy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Pedro Alonso Lopez, Henry Lee Lucas & Ottis Toole, Luis Alfredo Gavarito, Pee Wee Gaskins, Javed Iqbal, Delfina & Maria de Jesus Gonzales, Mother Theresa, Bruno Ludke, Michael Swango, Andrei Chikatilo, Anatoly Onoprienko, Ahmad Suradji, Gerald Stano, John & Pat Ramsey, Richard "Iceman" Kuklinski, Erszebet Bathory, Moses Sithole, Donald Harvey, Fernando Hernandez Leyva, Vasili Komaroff, Jane Toppan, Gerard John Schaefer, Karl Denke, Micajah & Wiley Harpe, Patrick W. Kearney, Wayne Williams, Fritz Haarmann, Dean Corll, Bruce Lee (the pyromaniac), Leonard Lake & Charles Ng, Juan Corona, Marcel Petiot, Helene Jegado, Ted Bundy, Earl Nelson, Norman Afzal Simons, Coral Eugene Watts, Carl Panzram, Thierry Paulin & Jean-Thierry Mathurin and Charles Sobhraj were too. But we stick by them all, as we stick by all of our political and social puppets. (This is by no means a complete list.)
In other words, we have people everywhere. You cannot hide from us.

Companies
There are a number of different companies working under the suffocating guidance of the kristuphil, inc. management team.
These are the ones that we tell you about:
Defective Software
Defective Software® offers very little at present, but you'd never know that by how long it's been around! It's been around for roughly three years and only offers two softwares, both of which are three years old and are total crap. But don't let that fool you; Defective Software has no plans as of yet. Nothing has been in development. We think it takes some balls to have a company without the chance of profits. But you can expect something new within the next few years probably. We have to to we live up to our name, I guess. Who knows. Don't hold your breath, and remember:
With Defective Software®, it's never your fault.™
Fustian Publishing
Ever feel like reading but not really?
Reading Fustian books makes you more physically attractive.™
Farting Pig Recordings
Farting Pig Recordings® is the most fruitful of our ventures, selling over forty (40) copies of our incredible, groundbreaking albums, and bringing in nearly $10 in profits. You can't beat that. Or I should say we can't.
We are the home to all of the best bands except Blur, Nine Inch Nails, and The Beatles (although we do have Ringo).
Aside from good bands, we also have I Hate Dishwasher Music, Stu, fauxpas, Comfort Station, Chalk Headlines... the list goes on (there's about one other one).
The albums we sold were actually mostly to relatives. And it was more like we gave them away. The money we made was off of some idiots at school. We spent it on cookies.
Farting Pig Recordings®: Smell The Music™
Günter Münty Fütwear
Fred12 has been awakened. A new aeon is usurping the old. Christ has abandoned us. Your god has died, and after May 28, 2002, so will you.
Feel free to peruse our catalog.
Günter Münty Fütwear®. Prepare.™
Community

You're pretty much on your own.

Contact

Don't you dare call us.
Our Guarantee:
The products that are made by kristuphil, inc. are infallible.
If you think that something you received from us is broken or malfunctioning in some way, you are insane. We are so confident in the quality of our goods that we do not even issue guarantees or warranties. You will never have any problems with any of our products. So help me God. Amen.

If, however, you wish to contact us for reasons of expressing thanks or extreme sexual satisfaction caused by our our products, we'd love to hear from you. We can be contacted at lehman-browns@linkline.com


kristuphil, inc.
We won't help you, no matter what™


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