OnceI made up my mind, it was just a matter of finding the right people forthe job. I headed straight to the club to hire Trevor Herth as my firstmember. He was killer. During the first couple of months, people told meto get rid of him; they said he didn’t know what the hell he was doing.They were right, but I knew what I wanted. And I don’t get why people sayhe’s hard to understand, either. It’s simple. He just says something, youknow? Then he says it again in five different ways. It’s kinda like whenyou order and ice cream cone, you know, and then you lick it with yourtongue, and then you just through it away. I knew he was gonna be the baddestcat ever to be here.
            Second on my list was Clint Heilman. He was easy; one shot to the headwas all it took. I had his wallet soon after.
            Two men sit in a jail cell in New York City. They are both tall. Jamesis gay. James is a cat. He lives in Italy. The two men are named Lex andTelp. Lex is slightly older than Telp. Telp is only slightly younger thanLex. They both hate each other. Lex is wearing a tuxedo. Telp wishes hewas wearing a tuxedo, but he is wearing a small sailor suit. It is NewYear’s Eve. It is 11:23 P.M. Lex tries to beat Telp with a small button.He fails. He looses his button. There is a piece of a time machine in thecell.
           “I’ve lost the button. I’m screwed,” thinks Telp, even though Lex was theone who lost the button. Lex dies.
 Telp begins to hit himself in the hair. His mother asks him forhis dirty clothes. Nothing is working. He is still in the cell, in hisroom. Suddenly the ceiling stops working. Telp is filled with panic. Hebegins to cry, and his mother hits him for this. But it’s not actuallyhis mother, he has found. It is his second grade teacher. Telp is 42 yearsold, but he still has a second grade teacher. His second grade teacheris bald. His mother is not bald. He doesn’t remember what his mother lookslike.
           Telp is a woman. He finds this funny. He doesn’t remember being a woman.His legs are still extremely hairy, though.
           “If I’m a woman,” he thinks to himself, “I’d better shave my legs.” Hewalks into the bathroom, and locks the door so his teacher can’t get in.But then he realizes that the shaver is outside. But he can’t walk outthere and let his mother know that he is a woman. So, after several secondsof considering his options and their consequences, he decides he’ll haveto use a scissors. He carefully picks up the pair of scissors that he alreadyseemed to have in his hands, and cuts off one of his legs. He can’t feelany pain, but he figures there probably is some, so he decides to cut ofhis head in order to end his suffering. Oops. He cuts of his other leginstead. There is a lot of blood. He puts the scissors back in the drawerthat he remembered them being in at some point in his life, and slowlyrubs his fresh, gigantic wounds with a candy cane. This stings.
           Hmm. Telp is in a very uncomfortable position. He becomes officially depressedwithin a matter of seconds. He is very upset. But he is soon refilled withhappiness and hope when he remembers it is Valentine’s Day. He takes hiscardboard “mailbox” from the side of his desk and begins to shuffle throughthe envelopes within. He has received several billion small candy hearts,and countless pieces of thin cardboard that feature pictures of Gonzo andthe words, “I am from outer space. You will be my Valentine, Pick Bitch.”
           He is pleased with these, but left somehow unfulfilled. He expected, orhoped, to receive a card with orange pieces of plastic attached to it anda straw with a red plastic heart at the top from a certain person. He didnot receive anything of the sort, nor did he receive a single thing fromthat certain person.