The Net.ropolis headquarters of the Department of Irresponsible Science nearly overflowed with barely-contained excitement. The Department's director, Doctor Heironymus Wrenchbreaker, was preparing to test his latest project: the Deregulation Ray. It was only three years ago that he had taken over the beleaguered Bureau of Mad Science and, with little more than a fresh coat of paint and a new letterhead, transformed it into a model of modern government and unbridled defense spending. This experiment, if successful, would be his crowning achievement. With the proper safeguards and precautions in place, it would transform any industry wallowing in a morass of red tape and bureaucratic rules into an ideal, self-regulating community, free to flourish in the unbridled marketplace of 1980s corporate America -- and all without any pesky objections from those Communists calling themselves "consumer advocates" and "labor unions."

Men in blue lab coats and plastic hard hats walked constantly up and down the corridors, carrying clipboards. Others stared intently at gauges and dials. The two guys who always stand next to an oscilloscope stood next to an oscilloscope. And so on. Let's face it, if you wanted to read about these guys, you'd pick up a copy of SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN.

Suddenly a loud crash of metal and glass nearly shook the bored technicians out of their daily routine. Nearly.

"What was that, Dave?" one of the oscilloscope guys asked his partner.

"Sounded like somebody tore the roof off. Probably one of those supervillains."

"Yeah, it did sound like that. Just goes to show you."

"Show you what?"

"You know. There's always somebody wants to rip the roof off a lab somewhere."

"You're really weird, Stuart."

Meanwhile, on the floor above, Dr. Wrenchbreaker confronted the man responsible for the damage. The intruder stood in the wreckage, wearing what Wrenchbreaker could only imagine was a Roman Centurion costume made from a bed sheet and a doorman's uniform. The man's face was familiar; he'd been in the newspapers a few weeks ago. "You're -- that economist, Professor Bright."

"I was Professor Bright, true. But the world will soon know me as -- Supplyslide! The man who fell down the slippery slope of post-Keynesian economics! We're here to take the Deregulation Ray, you liberal wimp."

"Liberal? But I created the Ray to serve the cause of neo-conservativism. Its only function is to deregulate things."

"You don't fool me. Oh, you talk a good game, but what's all this about 'safeguards' and 'precautions'? I've seen your plans: when you're done with it, the Ray will deploy a so-called 'safety net.' You know what that 'safety net' is? It's nothing but a trap! A liberal snare to rope in ordinary working-class Americans and make them think they need the government to take care of them! Tampering with the marketplace, that's what it is! You liberals make me vomit!" He looked expectantly at the befuddled scientist. "Well?"

Dr. Wrenchbreaker felt he was expected to say something. "Um. Ah. Well. That is . . . I'm sorry, was there something I should . . ."

Supplyslide glared at him. "You're supposed to tell me I'll never get away with it."

"Why would I say that? This is an ordinary research lab, with no special defenses. You're a supervillain with a device capable of tearing our roof off. I'm sure you and your strange followers are more than a match for myself and my colleagues, and that your plan involves getting away in plenty of time before either the police or the military can get here."

"That's what *I* was supposed to say. Now I'm all mixed up. Look, just recoil in horror at my eerie minions."

"Well, I suppose I . . . Good heavens, they really *are* horrible. Are they the walking dead?"

"An astute observation, Doctor, and not far from the truth. You see, using my Economic Voodoo, I can turn ordinary men and women into brain-dead Reagan Zombies -- an unstoppable army with which I shall rule the world! Ahahaha!"

"Very well, then. I'll just get out of your way and let you get on with stealing the --"

He was interrupted by a commanding voice, booming down from the gaping hole in the roof. "Not so fast, Supplyslide! Nobody's stealing anything while the LNH is on the job!"

Supplyslide whirled around, to find himself staring at a row of ten Doc Marten boots. Craning his neck, he saw the five young people wearing those shoes: A grinning, broad-faced black man in a sharkskin suit and porkpie hat. A skinny blond youth with a mohawk, wearing bootcut jeans and a flannel work shirt with the sleeves torn off. A slightly overweight young woman with long, curly black hair, wearing a black overcoat with silver pins all over it and black lace gloves with the fingers cut out. A teenage boy with a shiny metallic head, dressed in a black motorcycle jacket. And the one who had spoken, an earnest young man with dyed blonde spiky hair, dressed in a white jumpsuit with red gloves, attached via coiled wires to a large red backpack.

Supplyslide recognized them instantly as the League of New-Wave Heroes. "Oh, it's the Losers who Need Haircuts, is it? Do you think you can stop me?"

"Let's find out," Radio Star replied. "Rude Boy, Cowpunk, stop those zombies! Metalhead, guard the scientists! Gothique, secure the Deregulation Ray! I'll take care of Supplyslide!" At their leader's command, the New-Wave Heroes sprang into action. Rude Boy and Cowpunk, knees and elbows flying, waded into the massed zombies, bashing them into unconsciousness with their famous Combat Moshing technique. Metalhead positioned himself between the attackers and the hapless scientists, repelling the zombies who got too close with vicious headbutts. Gothique remained where she was and whispered an incantation while touching one of her silver pins. A globe of eldritch energy enveloped the Deregulation Ray, keeping the zombies at bay. Radio Star pointed at Supplyslide and manipulated a control in the palm of his glove, sending a blast of radio energy toward his foe, who dived for cover behind an overturned bench.

"Oi," Rude Boy said to Cowpunk as the pair mowed a path through Supplyslide's followers. "This lot are easier to knock down than Mrs. Thatch and her army of Straw Men."

"Too bad the varmints don't stay down," his teammate replied, delivering a well-placed kick to the head of a felled zombie struggling to his feet.

Unobserved in the melee, one of the technicians dropped his clipboard and began gathering scattered papers. He touched a button on his collar and whispered, "Palmer here. Be ready to grab the Deregulation Ray on my signal. Out."

"Hiding will do you no good, cowardly villain," Radio Star announced, turning a dial on his wrist to select a wide beam attack.

"I'm not hiding, fool, I'm setting a diabolical trap," Supplyslide said as he jumped up from behind the bench holding a strange device. It looked like a small silver bowl with strange blinking lights on the outside. Radio Star's beam struck the odd machine and all the lights glowed very brightly for a second. Then a similar beam shot forth from the device, enveloping each of the Leaguers in a scintillating energy field. "You see, this sets up an interference pattern, especially calibrated to your radio attack -- and to the bio-energy signatures of yourself and your colleagues. The feedback should kill you all in a few seconds, but at least you'll be in excruciating pain until then." Setting the machine on the floor, he turned to command his remaining troops.

"All right, you zombies, get that Ray into the -- what is that man doing?"

"I'm taking the Ray someplace where it can't do any harm," Agent Palmer replied, as he and a team of white-jumpsuited agents loaded the Ray onto a waiting helicar, leaving Supplyslide and his Reagan Zombies fuming in the wreckage.

Meanwhile, the New-Wave Heroes writhed and struggled in a vain attempt to escape their doom. The energy bonds that surrounded them grew tighter and smaller, until each of them simply "blipped" out of existence like the last phosphor dot on a television screen.

* * * * * *

The Looniverse's Mightiest Heroes -- no, that's not strictly true. The Looniverse's Strangest Heroes -- not even close. The Heroes with the Most Free Time in the Looniverse (there we go) band together to fight the minor inconveniences and petty annoyances of modern urban life as the LNH 'TSK' FORCE. Led by the enigmatic Convoluted Origin Man, this hand-picked team of, er, specialists is ready to handle any threat, no matter how puny or insignificant.

LNH 'Tsk' Force #6: "Cable Bill, part 1"

Starring: Convoluted Origin Man, Mainstream Man, and Kid Unique

Special Guest Villain[?]: Cable Bill

* * * * * *

"A giant running rampant in downtown Net.ropolis? Is that really covered in the Tsk Force charter?" Convoluted Origin Man asked.

"He's not exactly running rampant," Cheesecake Eater Lad said. "He's just . . . inconveniently large."

"Oh, I get. Okay. Let's send Mainstream Man and Kid Unique down there to talk to him."

* * * * * *

Arriving at the scene, the two Legionnaires found an otherwise normal-looking man, 20 feet tall, standing in an intersection, apparently baffled by the chaos and confusion his presence was causing. He'd ripped an awning from a nearby storefront and wrapped it around his midsection, having evidently just recently grown out of his clothes.

Mainstream Man pulled out a bullhorn and hailed the stranger: "Attention, gigantic semi-naked person. We are Mainstream Man and Kid Unique from the Legion of net.Heroes. Do you require assistance?"

Kid Unique gave him a disbelieving look.

"Hey, it's SOP," Mainstream Man said. "Whenever you meet a new character in a non-combat situation, you're supposed to identify yourself and offer assistance."

"Hello," the very large man said. "My name is William Cable. I'm kind of at a loss here -- I don't want to block traffic but I'm too big to go into a building."

"Maybe you could go down that alley," Mainstream Man said, pointing to a place behind William and to his left. "Then cut over to John Agar Boulevard, which isn't very busy this time of day. You could go down about three blocks to the Leon Spinks Junior High soccer practice field."

"That should get me out of the way, at least. Thanks, Mainstream Man!" And with that the giant strode away, carefully weaving his way through traffic.

"Is that it? Are we done?" Kid Unique asked.

"No, we're not done. Don't you want to talk to this guy and find out who he is and why he's so big?"

"Yeah, I guess."

A few minutes later, the three men stood on the soccer field. William greeted the net.Heroes. "Thanks again for helping me out. I guess I kind of just panicked."

"Have you always been this big?" Mainstream Man asked.

"No, I'm just a regular-sized guy. I mean, I was until earlier today, I guess."

"What happened?" Kid Unique asked.

"I don't know. I just sort of . . . started growing or something."

"Do you want me to shrink you back to normal size?"

"You can do that? Really?"

"Maybe. I have any super power I can think of, as long as nobody else has it. I don't think anybody else has the power to shrink giant people down to normal. Can you think of anybody like that, MM?"

Mainstream Man pondered this. "Not right now. What do you say,Mr. Cable?"

"What have I got to lose? Sure, give it a shot."

Kid Unique stared at the giant. At first, nothing seemed to happen.

After a couple of seconds, William suddenly screamed in pain and clutched at his stomach. He began to shrink very rapidly, reaching a height of six feet in under a minute.

"Are you all right?" Kid Unique asked. "I tried to stop it, but I couldn't."

William was still bent over, breathing sharply through clenched teeth. "Huh . . . Huh . . . Hurts like a -- ow!"

"Take it easy. We'll get you to a doctor," Mainstream Man said, rushing to the man's side. "Do you think you can walk?"

"In a . . . huh . . . in a minute," William replied, still catching his breath.

"Here, let us help you." With that Mainstream Man got his shoulder under William's left arm and motioned Kid Unique to do the same on his right. With the two of them supporting his weight, William was able to walk slowly.

"We could take you to the Legion's medical expert," Mainstream Man offered. "Or if you have a doctor in the area?"

"I don't . . . I don't have a regular doctor, no. But you don't . . . don't have to take me . . . just the closest place is okay."

"Your condition is rather unusual. The LNH might be the best place to treat it."

"Dude, we should call an ambulance," Kid Unique said. "We can't carry him like this all the way uptown. He's getting heavy. I knew we should have brought Bandwagon Chick."

"The Mainstream Mobile isn't more than half a mile from here," Mainstream Man reminded him. Indeed, that completely average looking grey midsize sedan was waiting only a few block away. "I'm sure we can -- say, he is getting heavier. You don't suppose . . . William, stand up straight for a second, if you can."

William slowly drew himself up to his full height -- at least six and a half feet. "What is it? Am I growing again?"

"It looks that way. And as fast as you seem to grow, it's probably not a good idea for you to get into my car. I'll radio the LNH and get a flight thingy sent out."

"No!" William cried, and it seemed as if he'd grown another six inches during Mainstream Man's speech. "I won't go with you!"

"William, what's wrong? We only want to help . . ." Mainstream Man stopped and stared at the now nine-foot tall man.

"You hurt me! Made me small!" the giant yelled.

"And I'm really sorry about that," Kid Unique said in what he hoped was a soothing voice. "I promise I won't do it again. But we do know people who can help you get back to your normal size."

"This is my normal size! I am normal size! You tried to shrink me and make me weak!" With that, the now twelve foot tall William lashed out with a mighty fist and sent Kid Unique flying.

The teen hero's hurried "The power not to get hurt by a --" was punctuated by his impact with a brick wall, knocking him unconscious. William stomped over towards him, raising a fist as if to pummel him further.

Mainstream Man interposed himself between the giant and his fallen comrade. "William, stop, you'll kill him!"

"Don't call me William. There is no more William. I am Cable Bill, and nothing can make me stop growing!" With a backward sweep of his massive hand, he swatted Mainstream Man aside and stomped off toward downtown Net.ropolis.

* * * * * *

Next: Cable Bill on a rampage! More heroes join the fray! Doctor Stomper looks into a microscope! Convoluted Origin Man! Ultimate Ninja! Exclamation Marks! If you miss only one issue of LNH 'TSK' FORCE this year, don't miss #7: "Cable Bill, part 2"! ('Cause then part 3 won't make any sense at all.)

* * * * * *

Copyright 1999 by Steven Howard.

Convoluted Origin Man created by Matt Rossi.

Cheesecake Eater Lad and Mainstream Man created by person or persons unknown.

Used without permission.

And without persimmons, for that matter.