* * * * * *

The Looniverse's Mightiest Heroes -- no, that's not strictly true. The Looniverse's Strangest Heroes -- not even close. The Heroes with the Most Free Time in the Looniverse (there we go) band together to fight the minor inconveniences and petty annoyances of modern urban life as the LNH 'TSK' FORCE. Led by the enigmatic Convoluted Origin Man, this hand-picked team of, er, specialists is ready to handle any threat, no matter how puny or insignificant.

LNH 'Tsk' Force #8: "Cable Bill, part 3"

Starring: Convoluted Origin Man, Mainstream Man, Kid Unique, Bandwagon Chick, No Sense of Direction Man and Dr. Stomper

Special Guest Villain[?]: Cable Bill

* * * * * *

An unmarked white panel truck sped down the Interstate through miles of featureless desert, in one of those big square states in the American West. Arriving at a junction sign reading "Local access only. No services," the truck lumbered onto the state highway. A few miles later, it drove around a "Bridge Out" sign and onto an unmarked dirt road. After about twenty minutes, the driver could just make out a shimmering image on the horizon.

The well-dressed man in the passenger seat glanced at his watch and said, "Okay . . . now."

The driver turned sharply off the dirt road, avoiding the rows of six-inch razor-sharp spikes that suddenly sprang out of the ground. The truck bounced over the uneven sand for about a hundred feet to a stretch of blacktop leading further out into the desert, toward Warehouse 42.

* * * * * *

"Step away from the giant!" The voice rang out from somewhere in the park.

The assembled 'Tsk' Force members -- Dr. Stomper, Mainstream Man, Kid Unique, No Sense of Direction Man, and Bandwagon Chick, for those of you playing along at home -- whirled around to see who had spoken. They saw a beautiful young woman with an impossible mane of curly red hair, wearing a lab coat over a smart gray suit, holding a clipboard and a bullhorn. "And you are . . . ?" Mainstream Man asked.

"Dr. Webb, from the N.I.S.T.T.W.B.T.T.O.B.," the woman replied, stepping forward.

"I'm sorry. N.I.S. what?" No Sense of Direction Man asked.

"N.I.S.T.T.W.B.T.T.O.B. The Net.ropolis Institute for the Study of Things That are Way Bigger Than They Ought to Be. We want to help this man -- not beat him up."

"Hey, we didn't beat him up," Bandwagon Chick said. "We just distracted him while Dr. Stomper gave him an injection to regulate his growth."

"Then why is he unconscious?"

"He's unconscious because I gave him a sedative along with the growth regulator formula, Doctor," Dr. Stomper said. "The drug might have caused some slight discomfort and in Mr. Cable's already unstable mental state, I thought it best. Were he awake when the drug began to take effect, he might have thought we'd poisoned him and then gone on a rampage, potentially causing injury to himself and anyone in the area."

Dr. Webb adjusted her glasses and gave Stomper an appraising look. "I see. I misunderstood your intentions. I apologize."

"Hey, that's all right," Kid Unique said, grinning. "I mean, you see an unconscious giant surrounded by superheroes and you naturally think, hey, there was a big fight and they beat him up. But really we were just trying to stop him from freaking out and smashing stuff, like Doc said.

"Y'know, I actually helped us sneak up on him without having to fight him or anything. See, I'm Kid Unique and my super power is that I have any super power I can think of that nobody else has. So I figured nobody really has the power to make somebody dumber, and so I tried it and it worked -- "

"That's cute," Bandwagon Chick whispered to No Sense of Direction Man. "I think he's got a crush on her."

He looked at her with the same kind of blank look he got when somebody tried to explain the difference between left and right, or how you could tell where you were by looking at a map. "I don't know what a 'crush' is," he whispered back.

No, I suppose you don't, she thought. "Ask Stomper about it later," she muttered.

* * * * * *

The truck stood idling at the guard post just outside Warehouse 42, the super top secret repository of a government agency so secret it didn't even have a cool acronym. The well-dressed man in the truck handed an embossed plastic card to one of the guards, who glanced at it and slid it through a card reader. "Pallet 208," he read from the screen. "That's the second aisle from the right, and about halfway back."

"Got it. Thanks," the man said, taking his card back.

The gate swung open and the truck advanced into the loading area in front of the warehouse. The driver climbed out, opened the back of the truck and wheeled out a large crate on a dolly.

"What's inside?" the guard asked casually.

"It's a glowing meteorite that fell on a farm in western Massachusetts," the well-dressed man replied. "It's not dangerous unless you look at it, so don't open the lid."

* * * * * *

A low rumbling sound, not unlike that of a distant earthquake, interrupted Kid Unique's monologue.

"What --" somebody began.

"It's Bill," Dr. Stomper said. "I think he's coming around."

Indeed, the giant had regained consciousness and was groggily attempting to sit up. "Whoa. What happened?"

"I gave you an injection to stop your out-of-control growth," Dr. Stomper said.

"Really? Well, thanks, I guess. Good thing you got here in time."

"In time?"

"Yeah. You know. Before I started growing uncontrollably or whatever. That would have been awful."

* * * * * *

Half an hour after the warehouse doors had closed, the guards had returned to their post, and the truck had rumbled away back toward roads that appeared on maps, the lid of the newly arrived crate creaked cautiously open. Convoluted Origin Man stuck his head out, looked up and down the aisle, then climbed slowly and silently out of the crate.

The protocols for moving dangerous objects to Warehouse 42 hadn't changed much since his days with the agency. All he'd had to do was to call in a few favors, stencil some official-looking text on the side of a crate, curl up inside it and then take a cross-country ride in the back of a truck.

There were motion sensors inside the warehouse, but years of mystical training in Tibet had taught him to move almost imperceptibly, creating no more disturbance than a slight draft. Resolutely, Convoluted Origin Man began to search the shelves for the strange device that he, as secret agent Gary Palmer, had captured seventeen years earlier.

* * * * * *

"Fascinating," Dr. Webb whispered to Mainstream Man. "He really doesn't believe he's over thirty feet tall."

"Well, he claims not to, but he's awfully touchy about it. I just hope Doc doesn't set him off."

Dr. Stomper, meanwhile, was trying another tack. "Okay, have you had any unusual experiences in the past few days?"

"You mean, other than being pestered by superheroes who think I'm a giant?"

"Yes," Dr. Stomper said patiently, "Other than that. Have you recently been bitten by any radioactive animals, or found a strange amulet, or been abducted by aliens? Anything like that?"

"Now that you mention it, there is one thing I remember. This morning while I was walking to the bus stop, I was hit by a weird green ray. I didn't think anything about it at the time. I mean, this is Net.ropolis, right? People get hit by strange rays all the time."

"Kid Unique didn't have to work too hard, did he?" Dr. Webb whispered to Mainstream Man.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean apparently this guy wasn't exactly the sharpest biscuit in the wheelbarrow to start with."

Dr. Stomper asked, "Which bus stop was this?"

"Oh, the one in front of my house. It's on Manning Street, near Glenn Avenue." Bill stood up. "Right over there," he said, pointing off over the tree tops.

"Okay, think about that for a second," Stomper said. "Where are we now?"

"Gordon Park."

"And you can see all the way to the corner of Manning and Glenn?"

"So I have good eyesight. Doesn't make me a giant."

No Sense of Direction Man stepped forward. "Excuse me. Maybe I can demonstrate. Mr. Cable, if you'd do me the favor of standing still for a moment . . ." Squinting up at Bill, he took a single step up as if beginning to climb a staircase -- and suddenly appeared standing on the giant's left shoulder. "Okay, you'll agree that I'm standing on your shoulder?"

Bill carefully twisted his head around -- No Sense of Direction Man was in fact standing a bit unsteadily on his left shoulder, his head an inch or so above Bill's eye level. "Yeah."

"So you're much larger than I am. Now, which house is yours?"

Bill pointed it out. "The yellow one, third over from the corner."

"I see it. If you could do me one more favor, please don't sit down until I get back." With that, he stepped forward. Bill was surprised to see the superhero appear instantaneously in front of his house. No Sense of Direction Man stood in front of the door for a few seconds, then looked around until he spotted Bill towering above the trees. He stepped back onto the giant's shoulder, then down to the ground.

"So if I'm this much smaller than you," he asked, "How come I'm not similarly dwarfed by your house?"

"It's a trick. How do I know you can't change your size?"

"Okay, tell you what," Mainstream Man chimed in. "We'll leave you alone on one condition. You've got to go home and put some clothes on."

"Yeah, okay," Bill said. "I was getting chilly anyway." He carefully made his way through the trees and down the street without stepping on anything. The 'Tsk' Force and Dr. Webb tagged along, keeping up with his tentative pace. He was visibly confused when he got to his house. "But . . . This is my house . . . it's so small . . . Oh, it's true! I'm a giant -- a freak!"

"Bill, it's okay," Dr. Webb said. "My Institute can help you. We have resources for people in your situation. Even if we can't return you to your normal size, we can help you live a normal life. We'll find you a place to stay, a job -- "

"A job?" Bill asked. "What kind of job can I do?"

"Maybe you could put stars on top of Christmas trees," Kid Unique said.

"What? Christmas trees?" Bill shouted. "I'm no Humble Bumble! I'm Cable Bill and I'll teach you not to make fun of me!"

"Good job, Kid," Bandwagon Chick said. "Here we go again!"

* * * * * *

After a cursory search, Convoluted Origin Man was fairly certain that the Deregulation Ray was not in the warehouse. If Bateman hadn't lied [last issue -- Footnote Girl], then the ray had been here at one time. Still moving with preternatural grace, he made his way back to a box he'd noticed earlier. Ever so gently, he opened the box, marked "Dr. Syntax' Universal I/O Device."

Inside he saw a matte black computer keyboard with a small video display attached. Carefully removing the device, he switched it on and pulled out the telescoping radio antenna on the back. If he remembered the story correctly, Dr. Syntax could use this thing to tap into any computer in the world. It shouldn't take too long to find the computerized records of Warehouse 42.

After a few minutes of fiddling with knobs and switches, he managed to get the Warehouse 42 database on screen. With a few keystrokes, he found the record of the Deregulation Ray being entered into the warehouse. A second query confirmed that it was no longer in inventory. _Okay_, he thought, _So who authorized its removal?_ After another minute's work, he'd learned that nobody was authorized to ever remove anything from Warehouse 42.

_That's a puzzler_, he thought. _All right, who designed this security system?_ Another quick round of queries brought up the name of Heironymus Wrenchbreaker. [Dr. Wrenchbreaker designed the Deregulation Ray, as seen in issue #6 -- FG]

* * * * * *

"Everybody just stay calm," Mainstream Man said. Cable Bill, his fist raised to pummel Kid Unique, paused. Kid Unique stopped trying to think of a super power to use against Bill. Bandwagon Chick and Dr. Stomper, who'd begun running toward the Mystical Bandwagon, turned back to look at him.

"Bill, I know you're upset by Kid Unique's remark, but I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. Did you, Kid?"

"Aw, heck, no. It was just a stupid joke. Look, I'm sorry."

Bill relaxed, then smiled. "That's okay. Sorry I got sore."

Bandwagon Chick leaned over and whispered to Dr. Stomper, "What's with the mood swings?"

"Probably a side effect of his growth," Stomper whispered back.

"As his body grows larger, the levels of hormones and neurotransmitters in his system relative to his size decreases. Then his larger body produces more of these chemicals to try to make up for the deficit."

Dr. Webb, standing nearby, rolled her eyes at this. "Mr. Cable, will you come with me to the Institute?"

"If you think you can help me, sure. How do I get there?"

She gave him directions. "I'll call ahead and let them know you're coming, then follow along in my car."

Dr. Stomper's LNH comm.thingy beeped. "Stomper here."

The voice of Convoluted Origin Man came over the device. "Doc, it's Gary. I've confirmed my suspicions. There's a Deregulation Ray missing. It's probably what caused Bill's growth."

"Okay, I think we know where to start looking for it. When are you coming back?"

"I'm leaving almost immediately. Right before the big explosion."

"Explosion?"

"It's a long story. I was trying to erase the evidence of my hacking into a database, and I think I accidentally called in an airstrike on the computer room. Gotta go."

* * * * * *

Meanwhile, Dr. Webb was in her car, driving back to the Institute, while keeping Bill in sight. She switched on the radio.

"-- continuing our '80s Marathon weekend --"

"Continuing your gradual evolution into the all Depeche Mode station, you mean." She pushed the scan button.

"-- Super '80s Flashback weekend --"

"Cripes, they're everywhere." She hit the scan button again.

" -- anyone hear me? This is Radio Star of the LNH. We're trapped in some kind of energy field -- "

* * * * * *

Next: The final confrontation with Dr. Wrenchbreaker! More of the League of New-Wave Heroes! Even more exclamation marks! All this and more in LNH 'TSK' FORCE #9: "Cable Bill, part 4"! [And I promise it won't take another six months.]

* * * * * *

Copyright 1999, Steven Howard

Bandwagon Chick created by Sue Clark.

Convoluted Origin Man created by Matt Rossi.

Doctor Stomper and Mainstream Man created by person or persons unknown.